Chapter 4 ~ The List

The curious case of the stupid relationship and why I stayed so long, or, why I overstayed my welcome. I began writing down the excuses:

• “I’m asexual.”
• “I don’t ever need to have sex again.” This was in our early, early 20’s, he was confident about this one.
• “What are you some kind of nympho? Maybe give me a schedule or a heads up when you want it.” This one really hurt my feelings and was after we were married, when I’d ask if we were ever going to “do it” after being turned down over and over.
• “Men peak at 19 and are no longer interested after that.”
• He blamed a weight gain (his).
• He blamed work and stress and having to get up early.
• He blamed Mick/the screenplay which I wrote because of the situation already at hand.
• He often just said/says nothing and leaves this mysterious curtain up I can’t open or penetrate.
• He even implied and stated I was less evolved because I wanted to express myself sexually. And, I looked within and believed it.
• Now he says I’m mean and that I don’t touch him or say nice things. He trained this. What did he think would happen after 15 years of this nonsense?
• “You need to get a baby-sitter, so we can go out to eat like we used to.” But, we still never had sex back then, WTF is a babysitter and dinner gonna do for us now?

Why’d he choose me to marry? Did he think because my family was so fucked up he’d be able to control this sexless thing better? Like I’d roll over and accept it without a fight? Or, eh hem, not roll over.

He blamed a lot of things early on. He blames my upbringing. I don’t know why it affects him. I dealt with my family’s issues long ago. I let it go.

I knew I’d still tell my story, but I am okay. I’m at peace with all of that. It shaped who I am. I’m not easy, but I am strong, considerate, kind, private, stubborn, and generally happy except for this big fat issue.

He likes to tell people how intuitive and what a good judge of character I am. My intuition has been whispering and screaming at me from day one with him. Why did I ignore it and believe his lies?

Over and over he’d tell me I was wrong. About my goals, about sex, about him, and about my experience within the relationship. That what wasn’t happening between us was my problem.

He’d tell me I’m way off, I’m wrong, but then give me nothing to go on. Nothing.

Why have I stayed so long?