Push Hard to Open

Chapter 3 – Back to Normal

Me: Where did the time go?
Gwen: I think it’s downstairs.
Me: It might be.
Gwen: I think it’s in the kitchen.
Me: I think you’re right.

He brought me flowers last night. Tried to hug and kiss me. I moved away like I always do now.

There’s this thing that happens every time we’ve discussed our issue where he moves forward like everything’s fine. We act as though all is normal. Our normal.

He doesn’t hear me or accept that I’m done unless there’s a major miracle and I feel his want for me and I want him back. Unless, of course, I poop out, throw in the towel and accept this thing called a sexless marriage. I hope I’m strong enough to move forward and not accept this life.

The sad part about accepting him or his new attempts is if I stay, and he’s still unable to do what he’s never been capable of, I betray myself yet again. And, more time is lost.

How is it going to be different now? How can he possibly want me now that my boobs are so huge from breastfeeding and I’m carrying few extra pounds of baby weight and I’m so disheartened and he trained me to be the cold bitch I am today. And, and, and?

How, now, is this supposed to work?

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